Merry Trumpmas

It was action stations in the White House as the media team put the finishing touches to President Trump’s annual Christmas speech. They knew what the President wanted: After all, they had gained plenty of practice – this was his tenth consecutive Yuletide address, and the Christmas 2034 speech needed to be bigger and better than anything that had gone before. It had been, reflected White House Communications Director Tucker Carlson, one hell of a ride these past ten years. And there was more, so much more, to come.

Carlson’s mind went back to the early days of Trump’s second presidency. The imposition of blanket trade tariffs in 2025 had crippled a weak Chinese economy and prompted a Communist Party revolution that had toppled President Xi Jinping in 2028. Peace was restored in Ukraine in December 2025 after Trump invited Presidents Putin and Zelenskyy to Mar-a-Lago for a Global Conflict Resolution Golf Tournament with the winner getting to pick the terms. Neither of them actually won. In fact, they got so tired of Trump pitching post-war reconstruction deals that they agreed a ceasefire after 8 holes simply so they could leave early. It didn’t stop Trump from claiming the credit though.

Then Trump dropped a bombshell in early 2028. As he put it in a televised address to the nation:

“My fellow Americans, the greatest people on Earth – and I should know, I made you even greater –  today, I am announcing the most historic, most unbelievable, most perfect decision in the history of our country. You’re going to love it. Trust me, everyone’s talking about it.

“Nobody has done more for America than me. Nobody. Before me, America was failing – failing! Now look at us: we’ve got the biggest, most powerful economy the world has ever seen. So why stop? You don’t mess with perfection, folks. People are begging me, ‘Sir, you HAVE to stay!’ Even Crooked Hillary sent me a message saying, ‘You’re doing an amazing job, Donald. You should be President for life.’ So you know what? I’m going to be just that. But folks, this is a democracy – the greatest in the world – and it’s not for me alone to make this decision. The Supreme Court will ratify it tomorrow morning.

“Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Sir, who could possibly fill your shoes someday?’ And let me tell you, I’ve thought about this a lot – tremendously. The answer is obvious. It’s my son, Barron. He’s tall, he’s smart, and, let’s face it, he’s got the best genes. People say he’s the future. And you know what? They’re right.”

Carlson’s musing was interrupted by Vice President Musk. “Hey, Tucker, quick thought – do you think we should announce in this year’s speech that we’re building a literal wall on the moon? It’ll be YUGE, and this time, no one’s getting through without a Trump-branded lunar passport. I’ve already got SpaceX engineers drafting the designs for a launchpad?”

“Well Mr Vice President, Sir, it is certainly an … interesting idea. But you will recall that we had to abandon the moon base after those batteries you supplied us with kept running out every two hours, and it proved impossible to reliably sustain the life support system? So the fact that there isn’t anybody actually on the moon means it may be a tad ambitious. In any case, the deficit stands at $10 trillion. I doubt we can squeeze any more money out of Congress – the funding of the golden Trump Tower at the North Pole in order to gain control of the Christmas market has cost a fortune.”

“Well how was I to know that the solar panels wouldn’t work and that we would have to build a power station next door?” protested Musk.

“Indeed, Mr Vice President. You would have thought that one of those woke climate scientists might have pointed out that the sun doesn’t shine there for six months of the year,”  replied Carlson.

Musk paused for a moment, then asked: “Why don’t we move Christmas to June? Or build another tower at the South Pole?”

“All good questions, Sir,” responded Carlson. “Why don’t you put them to the President himself? In fact, here he comes now.”

The President never had to announce himself to the room. They could smell him coming – that cologne was powerful stuff. At least, thought Carlson to himself, he assumed it to be cologne. Seconds later, the door swung open and in walked President Trump.

“What’s going down, Elon?” asked Trump. “Hopefully not another of your crazy electric rockets?”

Musk smiled wanly and mused that it hadn’t been a great idea to entrust the navigation system to Chat Guidance Precision Technology (GPT) which went rogue and locked him out of the navigation, telling him: “Sorry, Elon, you’re not authorized to override this mission. Have you tried recalibrating your purpose?”

“Let’s get down to it, Tucker. What great things do you have for my speech tonight?” asked the President.

“Well, Sir,” replied Carlson, “We thought we would start off by announcing that the Oval Office will be renamed as the Golden Office, and we will have you on a custom-built golden throne adorned with holiday decorations and your name in flashing lights. You announce that your aim is to “Make Christmas Great Again” by renaming it “Trumpmas”, in honour of your great leadership, and there will be a “War on Fake Christmas,” banning non-Trump-themed decorations and songs.”

“Yeah, it’s good but it’s a little understated. We need to get people excited,” said Trump.

“Ah yes, but wait for the climax, Sir,” answered Carlson. “Walls of Peace! You say: ‘In my infinite wisdom, I’ve decided to build walls for peace. Not just on the southern border, but all over the world. Every nation should have a Trump Wall of Peace. You want peace with Russia? Build a Trump Wall of Peace. Want to stop climate change? You guessed it – Trump Wall of Peace. The world will look like one big peaceful Trump fortress, all built by American construction firms. What's good for America is good for the world, and vice versa.’

“We fade out to the image of fake snow falling over Washington DC, with the golden lights of the Trumpmas tree in the White House lawn spelling out: ‘All I want for Trumpmas is ME.’”

Trump smiled, clearly satisfied. “Perfect. Everyone’s going to love it.”

Carlson nodded, but with a knowing grin. “You’ve got to admit, Sir, it’s a little much, even for you.”

Trump chuckled. “Tucker, when you’ve built what I’ve built, you get to go big. We’re taking this country, this world, to the next level.”

Carlson smiled and reflected that whatever resource issues the world may have, a shortage of hubris was clearly not one of them.

A Merry Christmas to you and yours.