“I’m telling you, Albert, it is perfectly possible for Santa Claus to be able to deliver presents all over the world in one night,” said Heisenberg. “We know very well from quantum physics that it is possible for particles to exist in different places at once.”
“That is as maybe”, said Einstein, “but as you well know I am extremely sceptical about many aspects of quantum physics. And in any case, isn’t it the case that only tiny particles can display such properties? Imagine the chaos if we could have multiple Boris Johnsons scattered throughout the galaxy.”
“To your first point, Albert, quantum mechanics has passed every test we have managed to throw at it,“ chimed Pauli. “And in any case, it is experimentally possible to create large quantum objects that can be seen with the naked eye. After all, the only thing that in theory acts to prevent the superposition of large visible objects is the theoretical postulate that a background noise field exists to prevent the emergence of a quantum state. If such a background field exists, it would give off heat and we would be able to detect it. Admittedly, it is a lot less heat even than in the coldest of fridges so it is possible that we just don’t have sufficiently sensitive instruments but recent research from Australia supports the hypothesis that this background field does not exist. That being the case, if we think of Santa as a large collection of particles, there is nothing to stop him simultaneously existing at different places at the same time.”
“And what about all those reindeer? Do they exist in a quantum superstate as well? Even if I accept the premise that a quantum Santa exists, is it really possible to generate eight quantum reindeer at the same time?” asked Einstein.
“Natürlich mein lieber Albert,” replied Pauli. “How do you think Rudolph gets his red nose? It’s the friction associated with travelling faster than the speed of light. Of course, Santa gets a lot of help. His distribution network is second only to Amazon. Imagine what a force they would be if they could get the quantum delivery part to work. As it is, I hear they are struggling to devise a quantum computer than can add one plus one.”
“This is all very interesting, Wolfgang, but has anyone actually seen Santa?” asked Einstein.
“Oh yes, I saw them in concert at Woodstock,” responded Heisenberg, who by now had started on the eggnog.
“Nein, you idiot. That was Santana,” interjected Pauli.
“Of course. Mind you, the stuff we were smoking in ’69 it felt as though we were in a number of different places at once. I was in outer space, man,” said Heisenberg. “I was feeling, how do you say, a little wigged.”
“I am glad you take it all so seriously, Werner”, said Einstein, sarcastically. “But going back to my original point, if you can generate a quantum Santa, why not a quantum Hitler, or Boris Johnson?”
Heisenberg, who at this point was feeling decidedly the worse for wear slurred, “Well maybe Taylor Swift is a quantum creation. She seems to be everywhere these days. And didn’t she once sing a song called Blank Space? How would she know unless she’s been there?”
Einstein was becoming increasingly disinterested in the conversation with his fellow physicists. His attempts to engage his intellectual peers had degenerated into bar room discussion, and he was quite glad when Heisenberg dragged Pauli away to form a conga line. Seeking to raise the intellectual tone, Einstein hailed the economist Paul Samuelson who happened to be passing.
“What on earth are you doing at the physics Christmas party?” asked Einstein.
“Well Albert, since much of my economic theory was based around the mathematics used in the analysis of physics, I feel right at home,” replied Samuelson. “And don’t forget that the heat transfer equations form the basis of options pricing models, so there is a lot of crossover between physics and economics.”
“In that case, maybe as an economist you can shed some light on the meaning of Christmas. It’s not like my fellow physicists seem to offer much enlightenment”, said Einstein.
Samuelson thought for a minute and started to respond: “As you know, it’s the most important time of the year for the retail trade, when the bulk of toy sales occur and when the entertainment industry makes a great deal of money. We give each other gifts, whose utility is questionable, and we engage in a vastly complex process of income-constrained decision making under uncertainty. I want a Bentley, my wife gives me socks. She knows I want a Bentley, but she can’t afford one and knows I will settle for socks. In return, I will give my wife the perfume that she told me last year she didn’t like which she will add to the collection on her dressing table. There must be five bottles of the stuff by now.”
“Then, of course, there is a long tradition of hosting the in-laws, inviting them round for the traditional dinner. This in turn, is a minimax strategy, in which we provide the least unacceptable culinary option for people with different dietary tastes and requirements. Or is it a maximin strategy? No, it’s minimax; maximin is a former footballer with Newcastle United.”
Einstein took a drag on his pipe. “Ah yes, the relatives. One of the most difficult of all problems to solve. I did have a crack at solving that once – you might have heard of my Theory of Relatives. One of the most important findings was that time changes according to circumstances. A couple of hours playing charades with Uncle Bertram seems like a lifetime.”
“Still, I mustn’t keep you, Paul. I know you have important things to do. Just one thing before you go. As an economist, you must spend time thinking about philosophical matters. Have you read Marx.”
“As a matter of fact I have”, replied Samuelson as he hauled himself to his feet. “It must be these wicker chairs.”
A Merry Christmas to you and yours.
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